A quick preface: I am writing this article for educational and entertainment value. If it seems a bit one-sided, it should. This article was written as a guide for women and doesn’t address what guys can/should do. If you want the male companion, check out: 7 Things Girls Wished Guys Understood…
With that said, I hope you enjoy my musings.
- The Empty Box
I’m borrowing this concept that has been introduced to me via multiple sources. Ladies, you’ve probably experienced the distant look in the eyes of a man close to you; as if his mind was elsewhere. Being the curious bunch that you are, you probably asked, “What are you thinking?” The guy might have looked at you with a “deer in the headlights look” and stammered something like “uh… nothing…
Before you assume too much or think he maybe be hiding something from you, let me explain; many men have what I refer to as the “Empty Box,” a nice, quiet getaway in our heads, into which we slip sometimes. The Empty Box is, in fact, empty! It is void of all conscious thought, a state-of-mind that is both relaxing and enjoyable. We usually are not fully conscious of the fact that we are there and are startled at any interference to this semi-conscious state.
So, if you do catch us during one of these moments, be understanding. We’re probably not hiding anything from you, we were just enjoying “being.” It’s just the way we are.
- Speaking of Boxes… Guys are like Waffles!
Alright, I’m adapting a concept I read about in the book “Men are like Waffles, Women are Life Spaghetti” by Bill and Pam Farrel. A guy’s mind is kind of like a waffle; each element of life is a different little compartment or box. Now, these boxes can be different sizes, depending on the importance of the element (work, friends, relationship, etc.), but they are separate from each other. It takes us a while to jump from one box into another sometimes, and trying to be in more than one box at a time is challenging.
This quality allows us to do a number of things, like see a single task to completion, without being distracted. This enables us to put aside challenging feelings or experiences and forge ahead. Going back to the waffle analogy, if you pour syrup over a waffle (aka major problem/feeling/etc. in a guy’s life), it tends to fill one box at a time. If we’re in the box with the syrup, we’re thinking about the problem or feeling. If we’re not in a syrup-covered box, we probably aren’t. So even if we’ve just experienced loss or turmoil in our job, relationship, or friendship, we can manage to jump into a syrupless box and do something without thinking about our dilemma.
However, our way of thinking does present challenges. Multi-talking (a cliché) or following female conversation are genuine challenges. We become easily lost and confused if you jump around from box to box, as we take a while to move about in there. We prefer to talk about a subject/box, resolve it, and then move on to a new box. Understanding this will help you to help us. When you transition in conversation, let us know where you’re going and we will join you there, as soon as we can.
- Help a Brotha out…
This is a tricky one to address, but I’ll try to do my best. You ladies have probably noticed that we gents are not so good at noticing things. We’re not always the most observant and definitely don’t catch all the cues given us. Hopefully, I’m not introducing this idea to you for the first time.
In general, guys don’t interact in ways that involve complicated, subtle undertones. We’re usually pretty straight-forward and honest. We don’t usually expect much from our pals, we usually easily forgive obliviousness, and we generally just share whatever we want them to know, instead of waiting for them to pick up on it.
NOTE: I’m not trying to excuse guys and say they have no room for improvement in this area; I’m simply explaining our perspective and suggesting a course of action based on realistic expectations.
Cut us some slack and help us along. We’re a bit different from you. We can learn, but it is strange and foreign to us. It’s not you, it’s us. So, help us out! It doesn’t mean we don’t care; it usually means we just didn’t catch on yet. If we’re just not getting it, try a different tactic! What may seem obvious to you might be totally unnoticeable to us. Persistence and patience are key; give us healthy portions of both!
- Be Available
You may have read that title and thought “Of course I’m available; all he needs to do is ask!” And you are probably right. The challenge is that you might not be giving off that impression, and you may not even realize it. So I want to describe a somewhat universal scenario from a guy’s perspective.
NOTE: I am not advocating that you chase after a guy. I’m also not advocating that you become a huge flirt or ogle over him or get everyone you know to give him hints. Those will usually be a huge turn-off for a guy. I’m simply giving perspective and maybe a few suggestions.
To be honest, asking a girl out is a bit stressful and intimidating. A guy is throwing himself out there where he might get trampled. So if you are interested in him or simply interested in being pursued, make yourself available.
One of my favorite scenarios I hear about all the time: “I was hanging out and this guy I’d seen a few times and I kept making eye-contact. I kind of knew him and thought he was interesting. But he never approached me or asked me to coffee or anything. Isn’t he interested?” Sound somewhat familiar? Your experiences might be slightly different, but the context is the same – why doesn’t he just ask?
I would challenge you to look to see if you are making yourself approachable. Very little is more intimidating that approaching one girl in a group of girls all talking, not only will you have a very critical audience, but you are choosing to not talk to the rest of the girls. The same thing goes with you hanging out with a group of guys – how will he know you’re not with one of them? Or with any group for that matter! Approaching you in a group will deter a guy, so make yourself available.
This doesn’t mean standing by yourself looking awkward or desperate, but it does mean leaving the pack. A few suggestions: (1) take a quick break from the group and get a drink or food or another excuse that leaves you alone for a bit (2) as you’re leaving, make eye-contact with him. Let him know you’ve noticed him too (3) If you do want to be approached, it also helps to smile. Smiles are very inviting and do wonders for a guy’s confidence.
This is only one example, but one I felt was applicable to many situations. The moral of my story is that if you want to be pursued, be aware of the impression you are giving men, try to see things from our vantage point, and make yourself available for us to approach you.
- Flipping the switch
Here’s another fun analogy I’ll share. In my other article, I share how girls tend to be more like a dimmer switch when it comes to relationships. Well, guys tend to be more like a light switch. This closely relates to the waffle/boxes concept. We generally put girls into two boxes “friend” or “romantically interested”. You can only be in one box at a time, and they don’t overlap.
The light switch refers to the epiphany that a guy has when a girl moves into the “romantically interested” box. It’s as if someone has turned on a light and illuminated an entire world of options that would never have occurred to him. It’s a mental paradigm-shift without a clutch. It changes how he sees that girl, and it impacts every aspect of his interactions with her from that point on.
Does it sound extreme? It sure is! But it’s really a good thing. What else do you think makes him do all those crazy things? Take all those risks? Jump into the unknown? He’s probably just responding to all those subtle hints you’ve been putting out. They all joined together and knocked him upside his head!
- Let Him Initiate!
Okay, so there’s this guy you’re interested in and you’re making yourself available. There have been opportunities for him to approach you or continue to get to know you better, but he hasn’t taken advantage of them. One of two things is happening here: (1) he hasn’t noticed you yet or (2) he has and he doesn’t reciprocate your feelings.
The worst thing you could do in either situation is pursue him. Yikes! That will scare a guy away in no time. You need to let him initiate.
I wish I had a 1-2-3 plan, but there is no easy answer to this dilemma. If he hasn’t noticed you yet, change up what you’re doing to try to get him to notice you. If he has noticed you, you’ve made yourself available, and he isn’t initiating, to steal from a movie title: “He’s just not that into you.”
I’m not trying to crush your hopes and dreams; on the contrary, I wish to bring to bring perspective. You’re aiming to be with one guy in the end. Not every guy is supposed to be attracted to you or pursue you. The guys that are attracted to you, if you make yourself available, will initiate. So if he doesn’t initiate, it’s probably for the best. Be patient; good things are worth waiting for.
- Just be yourself!
Yes, I know this is cliché, but it’s the truth. You might be tempted to impress us by acting like who you want to be or who you think we want you to be. Don’t! You might have us fooled for a while, but eventually we will see that you aren’t being genuine; and very little turns off a guy more than discovering he’s being used and lied to.
The honest truth is: You look great and we enjoy being with you. If we weren’t attracted to you, we’d probably not initiate anything or continue seeing you. So you’ve overcome most of the hurdles already; you just have to continue being yourself!
This doesn’t mean throw everything out the window. We want to you dress flatteringly. We want you to have fun, but don’t change yourself! Be who you are. In the words of Matthew Kelly, “be the best version of yourself;” that is the you we want to get to know.
I’ll give you a quick insight. Self-confidence is one of the most attractive qualities in a lady. This doesn’t mean being arrogant, overbearing, or pretending; it’s tied into a self-understanding. Knowing yourself, your strengths and flaws, and being okay with who you are is confidence. We know you aren’t perfect and we don’t expect it. Perfect is boring; it’s your idiosyncrasies and quirks that make you interesting.
by JP Rudolph